I died today.
Well I guess that’s not really true. At the very least, it’s quite misleading. See life, death, it’s all just a matter of perspective. It just depends where you’re looking from, and what the view is. From here, the view looks pretty damn amazing. I can see the flash of lightning, hear the crack of thunder, feel the air rushing past me, the rain against my face. Now this, this is the sensation that makes you forget where you are, what is happening, and crucially: who you were four hours ago. And that’s a good thing, because I really need to forget four hours ago. For the sake of the here and now, I wouldn’t be able to tell you what happened then. You know, because of the whole forgot who you were thing that I just said. But for the sake of the story, there’s so much you have to learn.
See, the night before had ended in a way that I’m not quite proud of. I’m not entirely sure if I’ve had a night I’m proud of in the last couple of years. But this one was especially poor. After what felt like the longest of days and the most unfortunate of nights. I found myself with little to protect me from the rain but an overpass. And not a particularly well built one either. But it was the one I had chosen to find a bit of comfort from the cold and damp world and it was where I chose to pretend to sleep. I say that I was pretending to sleep because that allows me to believe that where I was was in my control and what I was doing was in my control. In actuality, I was trying to sleep, but I couldn’t. I’m gonna make a wild guess and say that it was probably the bridge, it can’t be my fault. I was up and walking at 4. Pretending gets harder when the thunder starts to mumble.
But the rain hadn’t begun to hit just yet and I didn’t care that it was obvious it was about to. That and the fact that bridges aren’t as waterproof as once thought. Anyways, I walked along the road. I think at this point it was LeSalle Boulevard, or was it Wayne? I was looking for a place to eat some breakfast. I had this craving for some eggs. Like the eggs that I had had when I was 10, back on the farm. I’ve still never had eggs that taste like that. It was about 5 by the time that I was able to find some semblance of civilization. Then it took me another 15 minutes to find the church. I figure a church has to have some food for the weak and weary even though I had never stepped foot into a church before.
There was only one man in there. It seemed to me like he was whispering the sermon he would give later that night, which would make him the preacher. So I started a conversation with him. I asked him his name, “Lear,” he said. He looked to be on the older side, “91” was the answer when I asked him his age. And we began to talk. After about 15 minutes of talking, he offered me the breakfast that I had been looking for since I had woken up. But I didn’t want it anymore. In our conversation, I learned that he had cancer. The doctors had said that he had only a few months left to live. Now I had to learn how this man had come to terms with his life ending. I mean how can someone learn that they’re just going to stop living, allow everything to fade to black, and just stop being? Well that happens to everyone, but how could someone be okay with it?
I talked to the preacher for 2 more hours about his life. He told me about his daughters, his career, and his hobbies. I felt like this man’s life was flashing right in front of me. I learned about his love for fishing. He told me about all his great fishing stories- the bass, the marlin, the time that he spent a month straight on the boat. He had done everything he wanted and he disregarded the thoughts of society-something that I had not done yet, something I needed to do. I realized at that moment that I had somewhere to be. I thanked the preacher for the conversation and I told him that I had my own “fishing” stories to make, and I left.
I walked for 40 minutes to find the plane. It was now pouring rain, the storm had become volatile. I had never flown it before, but I knew it was there and I knew there was something I had to do. I walked into the cockpit to find the plane running, which was quite convenient. It occurred to me that I had never flown a plane, but it was time for me to make a choice that I would remember. Somehow, I was able to start the plane, but the rain in front of me was blinding while I was on the ground, so I began to move forward. I just drove to speed up as much as I could, I just continued to speed up. And suddenly, I found myself in the air. The sound of the engine was deafening, the only thing that broke it up was the thunder above-the thunder that I was heading towards the source of.
The plane continued to climb and the rain was no longer blocking my view. I looked down to see the beauty below. This was the life that I was looking for, the life that would allow me to die peacefully. See now, for those of you keeping track at home, it was 4 hours after the start of my day. This was the sensation and the feeling that allowed everything to fade away. But in a flash of light and one last mumble of thunder, the plane was split in two. It was a crash louder than I had ever heard and it was the brightest light that I had ever experienced in my life. I found it quite ironic that the brightest light was followed by such great darkness. This darkness was one that I could not see past. I found myself in the moment that I had dreaded and avoided my entire life. I spent my life incredibly scared of this, but here I was now, with no worries or doubts about my future. I was finally fulfilled.
In my mind I could see myself falling to my demise, but the darkness that filled my eyes remained. But this was my chance to finally open my eyes. And for one last second I was able to open my eyes and feel the ground approaching faster than I could possibly fathom.