When you describe someone to someone else, you list things about them that are different from others, or differentiable traits, such as hair color, skin tone, hair type/length, height, etc. This is because of the way our society defines individuals, by their differences.

The more important fact, however, is whether or not this is a good thing. Jessica Benjamin believes this system to be flawed; if we define ourselves solely by comparison and differences in power, we find ourselves in unequal relationships with others. Assuming we follow her advice to an absolute, how do you know who is who when everyone is the same, a full human being. You may have someone’s name to define them, but if the only important factor is that everyone is completely equal, how will you equate the face to the name. For this reason, comparison is a necessary part of our human society, one in which individuality matters.

This is not to say Jessica Benjamin theory of mutual recognition is garbage and should be dismissed, as like I said this would be following it even beyond its defined measures. It is rather to say that both comparison and mutual recognition must be used in tandem to forge a better human society, as everything in Benjamin’s theory still holds truth. The question, per say, is where the line should be drawn between the two. Where should comparison stop, and where should mutual recognition start.  

I don’t have a definitive answer to this question, as it is both complicated and beyond the scope of my knowledge, but here is my theory. In our current society, we compare almost every facet of our lives to those of others. However, the main way humans use this comparison is self belittling. We compare ourselves to those with more than us, in money, fame, skill, etc. Therefore we should begin to draw lines on what should and should not be compared. Firstly, what you should compare to others may vary from person to person. For example, someone who plays soccer professionally should compare his/herself to his/her peers, as it is a way to both improve on oneself and recognise other achievements. However, fans of said player should compare his/herself to the professional players, as they are much more practiced in the skill, and the fan has little to gain from such comparison. Which brings me to my next point.

There can be scales to our comparison with others. In the fan example, you can compare your skills to those of the player, however you find the pale in comparison. If you, however, take the difference as a recognition of their immense skill, rather than your lack thereof, there is much more to gain. 

For another example, comparison of one’s physical appearance has increased massively since the inception of social media. The average person will look at someone who is in better shape than them, due to a combination of time, effort, genetics, drugs in some cases, and in others even altered completely, and find themselves as lesser. It is these unfair comparisons that we make that are truly detrimental to our psyche. It is much more important to make a comparison under the assumption that you are not lesser because you are unfit to be better, but rather you are lesser in this moment because of the factors I mentioned above. With this preconception, we can make a comparison that is fair to our circumstances and provides benefit to both parties involved.

In conclusion, there are certain times where inside of blindly saying, “I’m so much worse than them, I suck”, think about why that may be and if you’re being fair to yourself. Additionally, it’s okay to not compare yourself to others all the time, but rather just recognize that you’re both human beings, and that alone makes you equal. You both face the loom of death and all other enviableities that all humans are subject too.